Funny Jokes for the Elderly, these can be appreciated by all generations!
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “he’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
Let's put all retired folk in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell..
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct to which they would have to strictly adhere.
The "criminals" sent to the Care Homes would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Their lights would have to go off at 8pm, and they might be lucky and get showers once a week.
They would live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month for the privilege, and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.
"Ya know, when I was
30 and got a hard- on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 80 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So, what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"